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five a.m.
by dana kurmasheva
Five A.M. and I’ve just woken up
your evening has just begun
you have sent me a text message
but I read it without understanding…
What are you saying–what has happened,
why is there so much sadness?
You are saying goodbye forever
but in my sleepiness
I cannot see
I only see that you are upset…
You put everything together for me
you could not open yourself to anyone
just to me
you could only write to me
that your soul is hurting
of how your loneliness and fear
had captured your mind.
There is no way out that you can see…
Except for going Home…
But your house is unearthly
you will never go back
you will not step into the doorway
where your mother is waiting for you
where I thought you would soon arrive
and, as always, you will answer me…
we don’t know that you are gone…
never to return…
You will fly quickly to the sky
but you waited for my morning
when I could read your message
-your way to say goodbye…
Had I had more patience,
would you have answered me?
I believed you were safe,
just minutes from home...
​
You are gone...
you stepped into the sky…
I believe God welcomed you
and with the wings of heaven
you flew up like an angel…
​
Our hearts broke into pieces.
We’ve lost you forever.
We need you. We love you.
I can only cry to the skies…
*short excerpt from poem
"Five A.M. The Silence After Goodbye"
guilt
by dana kurmasheva
My guilt is like a strong wine,
intoxicating my mind, crushing my soul.
It seems to let go for a moment,
but then it strangles even more.
How to live when the feeling is so acute…
How to explain its essence…
Might I sober up sometime soon
or will this be my way of life…
Let it rule, let it destroy my mind;
let it tear my soul into a deep ravine.
I see my guilt in many ways...
Where can I get my strength…
Where is my refuge…
My fault is that I failed to see,
I blame myself so much...
My fault is that I did not know
what to do and what not to do...
Guilt is like an evil executioner, insidious;
he wanders everywhere, the judgment he endures.
Inside of me he wakes up and drives away
all the best of me and my faith too...
Like strongly fermented wine,
like a Master, he walks in my veins.
Wearing only a mask and kimono,
kabuki plays in different scenes,
tricks my mind with deception,
that my Arman would have surely lived,
that I didn’t give him my love and affection,
and my guilt has no right for revision...
o heavens
by dana kurmasheva
O Heavens, open up your gates for me for just a moment
my dear, beloved one has entered them too early…
my heart is shattered and my soul is torn by my desperate cry
give me a moment… please, just a moment…
Fate is cruel and unfair
to be so hard on the kindest man…
How did he get worn out by life
in the bloom of his thirty-four?
For each of us our pain hurts most
our loss is deeper, worse, and darker…
Don’t help me, please, with your “don’t cry”
God only knows how sad I am…
My heart is broken into small pieces…
I collect and glue, but one is missing…
O Heavens, open up your gates for me
for just a moment
so I can tell him
how much I need him…
autumn peace
by dana kurmasheva
I see the autumn bloom
a riot of colours like an obsession;
a pleasant whisper of foliage
warms my soul and gives me its love…
A gentle rustle
of quietly falling leaves
brings me a message from heaven…
Perhaps this autumn is a gift for me,
so that at least for a little while
I can enjoy its beauty
and find peace within me...
to understand and find that meaning
to find what is the grace of being-
how many colours in this life,
and how to feel again…
to help me open up and let go
of all the pain and sadness inside of me...
to send back to heaven
the warmth and joy of my eyes,
which are comforted by golden leaves and silence,
by the touch of the gentle wind,
by a carpet of colours,
the fragrance of the forest
fills the hole in my heart…
Even if not for long, I know...
This is happiness for me...
i had a dream
by dana kurmasheva
I dreamed that in my parents’ house
I am looking for albums with your pictures.
I am turning the old pages,
searching to find your face.
In a huge, wall-length wardrobe
I open every door.
On the shelves, I peer into the frames,
going through armfuls of papers.
I am feeling judgment,
I catch disapproving glances:
not everyone understands what I need.
Why did I come to my father's house?
But here is the find, here is the luck:
I am holding a recording of the dance.
On the school stage, you are with friends,
barely recognizable faces to me
in a cheerful acting performance.
You are on the right,
breakdancing in the group.
Blurred tape in a grayscale.
But for me, this find is a treasure.
I revel in this moment.
I look at you again and again,
so careless on the school stage,
so cheerful and carefree.
I woke up feeling full of sadness,
but with gratitude in my heart.
You allowed me to return to you
to plunge into childhood moments.
You always were a funny guy
with a sense of humour in place;
the soul of the company,
a faithful friend,-
this is how they remember you.
This is how I remember you.
mental health resources
I hope you find information I share in Resources tab helpful for yourself and your loved ones in your life.
Unfortunately, my brother did not have the proper resources to help him with his depression. I hoped that the doctors and our parents were doing everything they need to do to help my brother. I understood the seriousness of his illness and sent all kinds of information I found online to my parents, but it was not enough. My brother needed help, which he could not receive in Kazakhstan.
Here in Canada, you have a better chance to be helped than he did. Please try all sources and seek help. It is available to you in Canada. Share with your family and friends, and let me know how you are doing.
I send you love and light, blessings and hugs. You are not alone on this journey.
​
​Yours truly,
Dana